nekiadom ott magam a bánatnak
by sanumarox123
Summary: Season 4 AU. 'He closes his eyes and swallows hard, trying not to think of the stuffed bear that's sitting on his sofa, an impulsive decision made the previous week in anticipation of his upcoming role.' Warning: major character death.


**(Title taken from a poem in my native language, Hungarian, by Petõfi Sándor.)**

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**Warning: major character death. If it's not your thing, don't continue.**

**Also this is sort of majorly AU. Almost.**

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**Thanks to Steph for telling me what made sense and what didn't in this.**

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Kate's not sure how to tell him "_oh look you're going to be a dad again, and I'm going to be a mom, and technically we're not in a relationship so we're screwed!_"

So she tells him the only way she can.

Bluntly.

(Because with this kind of thing, _this _being a baby… it's not something you can avoid, like the things they had avoided in the past.)

"Castle, I'm pregnant."

He gapes at her for a minute, and she swears that if he dares asks how it happened, she'll shoot him right there and then.

"I... uh..." he stammers for a minute. He seems to recollect his thoughts enough to say, "Okay, what are we going to do about it?"

She could almost laugh. "We? _We_ are going to do nothing. I, on the other hand, am going to see my OBGYN and see what she and I can do about it."

A worried look glances across his face. "Kate… you're not going to get an abortion, right? I mean… I know that we're not together, but I promise to be with you all the way and bey-"

This time she does laugh, and cuts him off. "I might not be the happiest person right now, but I could never kill it," she says, moving past him.

He grabs her shoulders and swings her back around to face him. "Kate, you promise?"

All she can do is stare at him in disbelief, but Kate can see _real _terror behind his eyes. "Right now, this isn't a baby to me," she admits. "At the moment, this is just a collection of cells. This is an accident because the condom split and the tiny infallibility in the pill happened. This is something that could cost me my career. But no matter what, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. But no, I don't need your help. You have your books and your tours and Alexis to worry about. You have god knows who in the picture, and so, yeah."

She shrugs free of his grasp and steps away from him. She settles down on his couch and he plops down next to her.

"Kate, why won't you accept that this is something we've created together," he begs. "It's a miracle of life. There's got to be a way around this. We could raise a baby." And then he says, "And I haven't been with anyone since before the summer."

"We weren't even in a relationship. We had sex. Period. We were drunk. I'm going to give birth and then give it up for adoption. You won't have to worry about it getting in the way of your work, and I won't have to worry, either."

He forces her to look at him, his eyes a piercing blue. "But it _is_ still my child as well. As the father, I have rights, too."

"Not really," she tells him simply. "Look, just be thankful that I told you. Technically, I could have just dropped off the face of the earth and you would have never known." Mentally, she adds, "Like that summer after I was shot," and she knows that he's thinking that too.

"Look, Kate, Meredith wanted to get an abortion but she figured out she was pregnant too late to have one. I don't ever want to have to think of that happening to anyone. So if you just keep it, then I'll take full responsibility for it," he says, an almost desperate, pleading note in his voice. "I swear, I'll never ask you for anything else again."

She looks at him, disbelief written across her face. "It's not as if I can just _give_ you it now. What am I supposed to do the next seven and a half months? I'll be pushing papers for the upcoming months, gaining weight and then will have to go through the ordeal of labor just so you can feel better about the mistake you made?" She shakes her head and walks out of the loft. "I'm sorry, Castle, I just can't do that."

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He doesn't ask when she has made her appointment for; he doesn't want to know. She takes the Wednesday of the next week off and when he sees her empty desk, he doesn't comment and goes back home, worrying himself into exhaustion until he finally falls asleep.

When he arrives on Thursday morning, she is at her desk again, her face pale.

He simply nods in greeting at her, not trusting himself to speak and heads to his chair.

"Rick. I can't do it. I can't give it up for adoption when it's born. I can't be okay knowing that it's being given to a stranger," she confesses, her eyes unable to make contact with his.

He sits back in his chair, his heart pounding. He's unable to say anything.

"Do you still mean it?" she asks after a moment. "About taking it?"

"I... uh... yeah," he replies, his mind whirring as he tries to comprehend just how big of a change this was going to be. He notices she still refers to the baby as 'it'.

She nods slowly, and he knows that she's still thinking it all through.

"You won't ever have to acknowledge that it's yours," he adds, hoping that she will just agree to it once and for all. "Unless of course, you want to at a later date. I won't stop you from changing your mind."

She nods again and he feels as though a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Her voice is low when she finally speaks. "You're explaining this to Gates."

His eyes widen. "No, no, no. Now, wait. That wasn't part of the agreement," he protests. He's not sure why he does, knowing that she's going to get her way.

"I can't be placed under any unnecessary stress," she says simply, rising from her seat. In the corner of his eye, he can see the Captain heading their way, coffee in hand. At least their boss has already had some caffeine.

He gulps at the fact that he's the one who has to break the news to her boss. How they're going to be short a detective in the field for the next year at least. How probably, once this baby is born, he wouldn't be around anymore. (Gates' probably be happy about that.) She hadn't said it, but he knew that it would become part of the deal. Kate wasn't going to leave her job, and as far as she was concerned, she was already sacrificing enough to give him the baby.

He knows that the Captain will immediately remind him of the 'No relationships between people in the same field' rule.

They hadn't broken it though. They hadn't been dating.

It had just been sex.

(Just really great, _amazing_ sex.)

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Rick's heart is racing and his head is pounding as he drives to the hospital.

He almost wishes the boys were driving him there. But he hadn't seen them in months, not since Kate told them what was going to happen over the following months.

The message, which had been sent by Lanie, stated that Kate Beckett had been taken to the emergency room at Lower Manhattan Hospital and that he should get there as soon as possible.

Nothing more, nothing less.

He drives mechanically, willing himself to get there faster as his mind conjures up all sort of horrific scenarios. He curses his writer's imagination internally, beeping the horn as a couple stupid drivers stop in the middle of the road for no reason.

The constant reminder going through his head is that she's _barely twenty-nine weeks pregnant_.

He knows that babies can be born three months early and survive, but he never expected it to happen to his. Even if it _is _his second child.

He parks and shakes his head. He doesn't know that she's gone into early labor. For all he knows, she's sprained her wrist.

He hopes she's just sprained her wrist.

(But he knows that Lanie would not have sounded that frantic if it were just a sprained wrist.)

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Outwardly, he remains calm as he asks for Kate Beckett at the reception desk and the woman checks through her files.

Inside, he's a nervous wreck.

She's not even twenty-nine weeks.

She tells him that the doctor is in with his wife now.

(He doesn't bother to correct her.)

The pretty receptionist tells him to take a seat and that someone will come and fetch him shortly. He tries to ask what's happened; why is Kate here in the first place, but all she does is smiles at him sympathetically and tells him that she can't say.

He paces the floor anxiously, clenching and unclenching his wrists and stuffing them in his pocket. He's about to get up and demand to be brought to the mother of his child when finally, someone comes up to him and tells him to follow her.

She leads him to the relatives' room and he feels his heart sink.

He automatically takes a seat when she offers him one, although she chooses to remain standing.

"Ms. Beckett was brought in forty minutes ago with abdominal and lower back pain, as well as vaginal bleeding," the physician begins. "She was going into preterm labor."

She continues to talk about the placenta, preeclampsia, and the breech position, and of jet ventilators and oscillators, but it's just a buzz to his ears until he hears her say, "I'm so sorry, but your daughter didn't survive."

He closes his eyes and swallows hard, trying not to think of the stuffed bear that's sitting on his sofa. An impulsive decision made the previous week in anticipation of his upcoming role.

He mourns his daughter silently for a moment before he finds his voice and asks, "Kate?"

He reads the answer in the sad hazel eyes, so much like Kate's, before the doctor says it.

"I'm so very sorry."

His only thought is, '_Oh my god, I killed her_', before everything turns dark and he feels the whole world collapse.

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**I would just like to say something: I myself am adopted. I was nearly aborted and I was also three months early, and nearly died during my time at an orphanage in Budapest, after my birth mother left me in the hospital.**

**I am neither for abortion, nor against it. But everyone has their own opinions, but I just hope this doesn't offend anybody.**

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**So in the course of one week, I have managed to do horribly on nearly all my exams even though I studied my ass off, and I'm sure once my parents find out my biology grade, I'll be off social media for a while.**

**So I'm guessing this is my last story for a while. Unless my plan to somehow Photoshop my report card magically works and they'll never know.**

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**Thanks for reading. Reviews will help get my courage up to tell my parents the truth, by the way. Hint hint.**


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